lost by david wagoner

Stand still.

The trees ahead and bushes beside you

Are not lost.

Wherever you are is called Here,

And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,

Must ask permission to know it and be known.

The forest breathes. Listen.

It answers,

I have made this place around you.

If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.

No two trees are the same to Raven.

No two branches are the same to Wren.

If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,

You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows

Where you are. You must let it find you.

a lovely encounter with a stranger

Last Sunday, I was standing in line behind a sweet little old lady at the grocery store. She was dressed really cute and was very friendly. Let's caller her Ms. Addie to make things easier. Ms. Addie and I chatted while standing in line. Of course, like most people she thought I was only 17 and was super impressed that I would volunteer to do grocery for my family. I just smiled and said thank you. Somehow, I couldn't make myself tell her that it wasn't the case. I didn't want to ruin her fun and I didn't want to disappoint her. She was having a great time chatting away so I went with it.

When it came time for her to pay, she ended up being short of a few dollars. The lady behind the counter rudely asked her if she had any other means of payment. And by rudely, I mean very loudly in a very condescending almost brutal manner. My heart broke for her because her face fell when it was bright and smiley not more than a second before. And Ms. Addie apologetically said: "Honey, I'm sorry. I'm old and I don't know how to use these cards thing so all I have is cash." The cashier just rolled her eyes and started drumming her finger on her counter.

The line was growing behind us and there were some other grunts from the end of it. So I asked the cashier to put the difference with my groceries. She rolled her eyes again and made sure that I knew it was a bother to her to remove the extra things from Ms. Addie's bags and to re-ring them for me. Ms. Addie on the other end kept on saying "oh! it's okay honey, you don't have to do that, I'll just come back later" But it wouldn't have made that much of a difference to me so I said it was okay (Little note, this part of the story is not really relevant, I'm only sharing it so that I can illustrate what came next). Anyway, after almost 15 minutes of dealing with attitudes and my groceries pretty much being thrown across the counter, I said good bye to sweet little Ms. Addie and couldn't help but smile as I walked toward my car while she waved me goodbye . She was a hoot, and one of the sweetest strangers I've ever met.

Fast forward to this afternoon, I had to go get gas. And as I'm pulling up to the pump, the person in the car across from me kept on waving and smiling. I didn't recognize her at first, but YES! It was Ms. Addie!! She rushed over as I came out of my car, so I said: "Hello again :)! How are you?" She said "Oh Honey! I'm doing good, I'm so glad I ran into you again, I wanted to thank you for what you did". Mind you she is very expressive, and everybody just paused and turned to look at us. I was embarrassed to say the least. Because Ms Addie then proceeds on saying "I'm going to pay for your gas, and don't even try to say no"...

I was so flabbergasted I couldn't really say anything for a few seconds. Then of course I told her it wasn't necessary, and it was a pleasure to meet her Sunday, I had a really good time chatting with her but she didn't need to do anything for me. But she kept on saying "no, no, no, don't you even think about it" Then walked in front of me, surprisingly faster than I could catch her and paid for my pump before I even reached her! Then she turned around and patted my hand and said "Thank you Honey!"

I was humbled, shocked, confused, and many other things all at once. I wasn't really able to react to any of it because it all just went by so fast before I could even muster up a reaction or move or really do much of anything. I was embarrassed too, because by this time everybody at the gas station pretty much stopped what they were doing and openly gawked at us as the whole thing was evolving. I mean, I don't take advantages of little old ladies ... and I certainly never thought that I would run into her again, much less have her pay for my gas! Plus, my tank was completely empty and this random person, I met in a grocery store just filled it up for me!!

But mostly, I was humbled, very humbled and amazingly surprised. Not that I wanted her to pay for my gas, or give me anything in return, but the whole thing warmed up my heart. Here was this 70 something year old lady, with the sweetest temperament ever, who was rudely treated, publicly embarrassed in a grocery store, who then goes above and beyond anything a person would expect to thank some stranger. And that despite everything that happened to her, she was still very nice and kind even to the person who wronged her. Yes, I was very humbled.

I don't know if I'll ever run into Ms. Addie again, but I am thankful that I got to meet someone like her. She showed me that even though it's easy to get bogged down by the pebbles coming our way, your attitude has a large effect on how you see things and how you react to things. I honestly can say that if I was in her place when the grocery lady pretty much yelled vile things to her, I would have lost my cool even though I don't like confrontations, especially public ones. I will always remember her lovely face, with gentle eyes and a kind smile, along with the lesson in humility I learned in our brief and yet so inspiring encounter. Thank You Ms. Addie!

Live Fast, Dream Forever

Someone I know uses that little phrase as his motto. And lately, a friend has been showing me how small and beautiful our world is, how infinite are the possibilities. Especially, in a world post Susan Doyle's "I dreamed a dream", anything is possible.
With the eagerness and the enthusiasm of a five year old, I am ready to get everything started and see where it will all lead me. My heart was heavy with questions and doubts for a while. But today, it is light. I am now traveling light. I am open to the new lessons ahead. Some will be difficult, and others will be simple. But I am ready. Ready to "Live Fast and Dream Forever"!
I have a buzzing feeling that all will be great and even though I haven't figured it all out, I don't really have to. I just need to start simply, slowly and build up from there.
Sometimes, it's easy to be jaded and burdened by the doubts and questions crowding our mind.
But I found peace in borrowed wisdom from Mother Teresa: "I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples". I'm setting forth to live, love and learn simply, one small stone at a time. Yes, my dreams are bigger than I can fathom at times and they seem unrealistic. But I am ready to make the small steps everyday that will lead me to them.
This is a new beginning of sorts. It's a renewed faith and confidence in myself.
This is just the story of a girl seeking ways to live, love and learn by simpler paths and with small footprints, in our big wide world.
Would love to share the journey with you. To the few of you that still read my little home on the web, thank you! And Looking forward to making new friendships too.
I don't have a clear pathway to where I am going but like the old adage says "it's the journey that counts, not the destination"


xoxo,
kristina

home

it's always been difficult for me to define "home".
"home" can be in so many places and one is not necessarily better than the other,
just different.
for the earlier part of my life, "home" was a little island in the middle of nowhere.
a little place often forgotten if not unheard of to most people.
over the years, that has changed but it's always interesting to see the complete
amazement in people's face when they ask me where i'm from.
it's as if to them, it can only be something you read about once in elementary
school with a few geographical facts that might come in handy in a game
of trivia pursuit; not an actual place inhabited with actual people living a life
not so different from their own in some cases.
now that i'm here, this is "home" too. this is where i learned who i really am
and hopefully who i will be (it's still up in the air in this regards, don't ask me why)
i took some baby steps here, starting from learning to communicate to learning to
love myself. and to some, those might have been things that came easy or sometimes
not really things to be aware of. but the mundanity of my everyday life here has been
the biggest and most exciting adventure of my life so far.
i've had a few and this particular chapter has topped them all. it hasn't always
been the best, but it's been the most defining in many ways.
eating fried chicken was a milestone for me, okra?! i've never heard of it
until i landed here. words like 'ma'am', 'y'all' 'fixing to' (although i have not
adopted that one yet) were things i found peculiar and a bit hard to understand
the usage and purpose, in the beginning.
i love it here. i love it in a strangers vantage point kind of way even though
i've been living here for sometime now and call it "home". i'll never fully understand
what being a southerner means and yet i do some pretty southern things.

now, i can relate to the pace of life, which can be difficult to describe sometimes.

you know it is! you have to have lived here for a while to truly appreciate it and not be befuddled by it.
then "home" can be any number of other places. places like japan, where my heart
sung the moment i stepped off the plane. even though, i was yet again swept up in the middle of a different culture, listening to a completely different language, and expected to be confused and at loss. well, i felt at "home".
"home" could be a hut in the middle of nowhere in africa, south east asia, and all the other
places in the world where my heart yearns for a cause. or even a swanky place somewhere
like new york city or paris or some other fancy destinations.
really, it could be anywhere! this is the reason why i don't understand that feeling of being rooted somewhere. to have one place be the place where you always come back to, where your
home "home" is. for me, that place does not exist because my "roots" are softly held to the earth and always ready to be transplanted elsewhere. while still remembering and loving the places where they've been.
why am i rambling on about all this?
yesterday, i had a conversation with a friend who was trying to define my "home" for me.
he came to the conclusion that i am one those people where "home is where the heart is" literally!!
that countries, borders, nationalities or geographic locations don't really define my "home" .
but rather, where my heart loves to be or yearns to be.
well, that brings it all back to the same point: i'm unable to define "home".
if it is where my heart is, then it is on 3 continents, enumerate numbers of countries,
and amongst several languages, customs and cultures.
because right this instant, my heart yearns to be on that little island in the middle of nowhere,
enjoys being here, dreams about being in places like africa and south east asia
while reminiscing about the gentleness of japan ...

ser·en·dip·i·ty

n. pl. ser·en·dip·i·ties

1. The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident.
2. The fact or occurrence of such discoveries.
3. An instance of making such a discovery.

I know this little phenomenon occurs in some people's life but I've never had the pleasure of experiencing one, until this week! I recently became a contributor to the green scene column over at momfuse.com. momfuse.com is an online magazine of sorts made by moms and for moms.

I'm really honored and excited about writing for them and sharing stories, tips ect about my little green love affair.

So where does serendipity play into all this? Well, I was doing research on some eco-friendly maternity wear for a future article on momfuse.com, two nights ago. You know, doing the google thing. Perused through some pretty cool designs and inspiring ones, but then I landed on an article about a girl based in New York that completely blew my mind.

Her design philosophy spelled out exactly what I've been dreaming about doing for a long time.

It was a completely surreal experience! It sounded as though everything she's doing from fabric choice, production, and post consumer decisions were the script that's been playing in my head regarding a little venture I've been having wishful thoughts about for a while.

I was inspired, flabbergasted and many other words in one.

Well, the serendipity-tiousness of it all didn't stop there. Not that my little gem discovery wasn't enough to get my head spinning. I mean it was so validating to see your idea printed out in front of you, and to know that it is a viable one. Not just another crazy idea that you just kind of think about but don't really seem feasible.

With the excitement of a five year old who just found a new super hero, I emailed a friend and told him about what I just found out. His response is what LITERALLY blew my mind. My brain went completely blank, I think my heart stopped and I forgot to breathe for a few minutes.

He told me that this random person I happen to find on a random google search about something I was doing research on, is one of his best friends! Can you believe that? I mean what are the chances? To me, one in a billion if not more.

So I've been on a cloud nine universe for the past couple of days and still have to pinch myself to make sure that I wasn't dreaming about the whole thing and it actually happened.

I haven't quite recovered from the effect of it and catch myself getting really giddy at a moment's notice. I'm slowly but surely coming back to earth. You see, I've been in a bit of a drab lately with not really knowing where to next, and what's the next plan. In light of my recent adventure though, I've reached some affirmations that I've been needing for a while. And I am now more than ever more inspired, more eager, and looking forward to the hurtles and hard works ahead, because I've been given a precious gift in knowing that all this is doable!

I'm still not really sure where to start but that part is no longer as scary as it's been before.

Now, I know I'll just have to learn a lot, read a lot, build up my little info database and when the time comes, I will be ready to take it all in stride.

CHEERS! to serendipity-tious little moments. got one? do share :)

lament

"there's a hole in the world now...a center, like no other, of memory and hope and knowledge and affection which once inhabited this earth is gone.
only a gap remains.
a perspective in this world unique in this world which once moved about in this world has been rubbed out...there's nobody who saw just what he saw, knows what he knew, remembers what he remembers, loves what he loved...questions i have can never now get answers. the world is emptier."

this we can change!!!!

be inspi(red)
be inc(red)ible
be uncenso(red)
know you can change the world!

boy.girl.revolution.

(wrote this a while back. it was about a friend, then it wasn't, and now it is again-she's still searching)

noise.noise.noise.
yuppies hanging out in a trendy bar.
boys wearing tight jeans, shaggy hair, converses
girls in tights, bohemian shirts, gauzy scarves
population: youth. a generation.
atmosphere: blue haze. alcohol induced stupor.
mood: you tell me.
rhythmic drums. singing bottles. dancing glasses.
world center to a boy.girl.revolution.
through one look across a couch.
through a mass of shadowy humanity.
amongst friends.foes.
fixed.
strangers yet in'sync in all that matters.
one look narrating 2 entire life stories.
translating a quaint understanding.
a bizarre sense of finally arriving. finally belonging
one look muted all the noise. emptied the room.
transfixed 2 wandering souls in a unlikely meeting place.
yes! boy.girl.revolution.
brewing a long symphony of silent conversation.

live, love and learn

three little words that always remind me of how incredibly lucky i am to be alive, to be loved and to love and to have a chance to learn everyday from people places and circumstances...i know it might seem random but they are my sort of mantra when life is peppered with little mishaps and surprises (good or bad)! so it's with them that i am starting this new week where challenges are ahead, deadlines need to be met, projects are due, friendships need nurturing and i just realized that a day is only 24 hours no matter how much i wish for it to be more and i can't clone myself because it's illegal! HA!

industrial loneliness

strangers passed me
on their way to something lovely
a date maybe? or just lunch with friends
i was happy and proud
standing tall, feeling strong
my leaves danced
and my heart sang
i felt alive when the sun gazed at me
and excited when the new moon visited
i smiled a lot in our harmony
nothing were ever going to separate us
destroy us...
my place in the world, i took for granted
until the day they came
and took my friends away
made the sun dim
blocked the wind
shielded the moon
they were tall and gray
they loomed over me
overpowering my strength
with their steel cage
and concrete frame
my heart hardened
as i squinted through tears
desperate to gaze at the sun
and amidst their screeching noises
my secret wish soared to the sky, quietly
longing for a sign of life
but even the rain became cold
fierce and angry
now, i linger a little while longer
and longer in my dream like state
seating still,
waiting for the time
when birds will nest again,
when the sun might remember me
and the moon will forgive me
my only comforts these days
are the soft touches of the grass below
they share my sadness, my loneliness
my limbs creak
at the tiniest breeze
yearning to dance
with nature's song
i often wonder: why me?
how do i find myself again?
in the middle of these steely, harsh strangers
they find me peculiar and odd
and i find them frightening and obscure
so now i wait with an eternal hope
for a new spring, a new song, a new dance


(picture coming soon)

tattooed existence

the story of her life is etched on her skin; her body narrates her journey through the tumults of existence. she is the canvas of an inspired painter. she is the never-ending page of a talented writer. she is the heartfelt lyric of a youthful singer. some are her thoughts; most are not. she seeks the wisdom of her elders and transcended their philosophy on her physical self through figures and colors.

there is a striking difference between her and her peers; she is the odd, the unusual, and the unexpected. she doesn't fit in the drafted mold of their existence. she is atypical. yet, she emanates with a strong and heightened vibe the spirit of His will. her eccentric attire strangely reflects the loose cloth and shroud that He once wore. her unusual look attracts the loner, the lost, and the forgotten to His house. her bare feet invite the poor in His footsteps. her piercings engage the confused youth to a better path. her smile won many hearts. she leads a simple yet complicated life. she spends her days in curious tasks; they are unusual and peculiar for most people but common to her. she knits with little old ladies and listens to tales of their past, filled with the excitement of their younger years. she reads to time withered looking men who show their experience through wrinkles and balding hair. she embodies the unfamiliar in a very familiar way. she accepts critics, judgments, insults and rejections with a smile and a prayer: "Thank YOU!"

her life is a constant struggle that she takes on with a light gentle stride. it's filled with many injustices, but she embraces them with the sun dazzling through her eyes. she shines the brightest in the darkest and most forgotten places.

she converses with Him often, in all that she does. she talks to him as she would with a dear friend. sometimes she tells him about her days, how she spent hours making mud cakes with pigtail wearing little girls, and how she played catch with vivacious little boys. she has the gift in turning the ordinary into extraordinary. she thanks Him for the curious looks sent her way, showing the unvoiced questions of passerby. sometimes, she shares with Him her deepest dream, her secret wish - Unity. sometimes she cries and pours her soul to Him when the pain is too sharp for her to bear alone. she doesn't care if He already knows; she knows He'd listen. when her heart is heavy, being with Him lightens her weariness and brings forth hope. when harsh words wound her soul, He is her shelter. she accepts His will. She embraces her salvation, His gift to her, with a humbled heart.

the story of her life is her lasting prayer. her body narrates her many journeys through the battle fields. her skin knows many colors and is the painted canvas of her experiences. she is the never-ending page sharing the tale of salvation through Him and Him only. she is the lyrical voice of compassion. her words are soft-spoken language blooming from ancient philosophy. her appearances contradict her peers of how she ought to be. yet, her soul mirrors the quest they strive to pursue. her faith radiates, her body is the reflection of her soul.

she is salvation, she is LOVE!


note: i wrote this a while back...made a few changes, but it's still a work in progress

beautiful and broken humanity
fighting a revolution of being,
desiring and expecting
a change far richer and beyond
the poverty of our cracked hands,
broken backs and hardened heels
wanting a bigger dream
to dance with all our fellow man
to the beats of a new anthem
under one banner, one creed,
as one country where citizens
are the rainbow breaking
the dark cloud of hatred,
bloodshed and raging war
a beautiful crescendo
of hope and truth
shinning under one burning flame
lighting a compound of souls
and shrouding them in grace and love

virus

life is suspended, put on hold for an endless instant
it slowly took hold of me but rapidly compounded
into a disastrous existence...no door, no escape
i want to breathe fresh air, away from the fumes
of this battle without a cure,
and hard to wage against
i wished for it once, or twice, or even many
more times than i could remember...
but now, the disease crowds every cells of my body,
all thoughts lingering behind the wall of my art
free me! cure me from this never never-land!

is this me or not?

horoscopes don't mean much to me, sometimes i read the funny one in the back of the jackson free press and laugh out loud because it's entertaining, even though all 12 descriptions could fit just about anybody.
so today when i got an email from a friend that was titled: "read this, destiny is knocking!", i laughed out loud then read it, excepting some silly prediction about how mr. right is going to knock on my door tomorrow or something even sillier.
the email was a description of those born under my sign. and even though i don't know much about horoscopes, signs and what not - i like the fact that i was born on the day a zodiac cycle starts. not in the middle, somewhere in between or at the end, but at the beginning! silly but it makes me feel like i'm at the starting line of something new, being innovative and part of those who are setting the pace.
so anyway, i read the email and stopped laughing because what it said startled me.
my name could have replaced all the 'you' in it. it was a strange reading this description that could be molded to anyone, yet fits me like a glove. this is what it said (it kinda freaked me out, and you can laugh at me, it's okay):

main traits (the good and the ugly...i guess)
# strong-willed / stubborn
# opinionated
# innovative / inventive
# tolerant
# humane / humanitarian
# friendly / sociable
# idealistic
# remote / detached / aloof
# free-spirited / rebellious
# frank / outspoken
# independent / individualistic
# intelligent / intellectual
# leading / trend setting
# engaging
# unpredictable
# eccentric / unconventional
# temperamental
# resentful
# enigmatic
# progressive
# unemotional
then it said:
...even though you have an exuberant and loud personality, sometimes you retreat into yourself and become a temporary loner. this is a trait that makes those around you uneasy, and uncomfortable...(this to me is crazy because i don't like it when people start asking me 1000 times a day if i'm okay, when i just want to be quiet sometimes...this is weird!)
then it goes on to say:
...you dislike interference from others, however helpfully intended. you will only accept advice and suggestion in your own terms (my mom always says that when it comes to me, she learned a long time ago that she would tell me something, and even if i am resisting her or seem uncaring at first, i would come around in the end but would never come out and say that she was right or that i agreed with what she suggested...this thing is crazy! by this time, i was not laughing anymore, i was getting intrigued)

you are drawn toward creative and humanitarian work which will make you successful in a career where you can travel and interact with people from different cultures.
a flaw is your tendency to run head on with your idealistic views to only be disappointed in the lack of humanity in the world in the end. (ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!UNBELIEVABLE)

Among your faults are that your fanatical eccentricity, wayward egotism, excessive detachment and an inclination to retreat from life and society.

WOW! SCARRY

thirst for independence...

it's amazing how so many people become co-dependent of their significant other and lose complete sight of who they were before. why is it that in the progression of an 'us' the individual always has to give up a certain measure of their sense of self?
when we are attracted to somebody, aren't we attracted to the essence of who they are? their true individuality? why is it that so many of us try so hard to change the other person after some time. almost wanting to close them in, keep them on a real tight leash, as if we are afraid they might go away. but isn't it true that the more one loses it's freedom, the more one feels the bondage, and the more one would desire to flee far, far away? so in wanting to keep them close, you are actually pushing them to run away. when someone feels caged in, suffocated, they want to flee to greener pastures.
some people think i'm strange because i like my independence and my alone time. they think it's weird that i don't want to be with that particular person 24/7, call them on the phone every 5 seconds, and have them do the same. but if you don't have time to reflect, to hear your own thoughts every once in a while, how are you suppose to be able to sustain an 'us'? and be a part of a relationship?
when people start acting needy and clingy, i want to gradually separate myself away from them. slowly but surely because i feel like they are draining the life out of me.
but hey! may be i am strange, and weird...who knows?
freedom is one the most basic human necessities! everybody desires freedom in some form or another.
not cutting off someone's independence, is showing them that you respect their freedom, you respect them. and in turn they will respect you too. and at the heart of it all, it will be easy to trust and not question. as it will be easy to not want to possess; because people are people not things to be owned.

reminiscing of a place where i wish to belong

"Why do people live in New York? There is no relationship between them. Except for an inner electricity which results from the simple fact of their being crowded together. A magical sensation of contiguity and attraction for an artificial centrality. This is what makes it a self-attracting universe, which there is no reason to leave. There is no human reason to be here, except for the sheer ecstasy of being crowded together."

Jean Baudrillard

new year, new you?

going to new york made me realize a few things. while there i thought i got the answer to a question i've had for while. but once home, i knew that all of it was an illusion. i got carried away and only heard what i wanted to hear. met a girl there with the motto: new year, new me! is that really true though? does it really just take the arrival of a new year to make you change your ways? i don't believe in new years resolutions, so i guess there goes my answer.
i do know that i've got to make some changes about a few things. but it's just happens that some truths came my way around this time.
2007 was a year of growth and finding my voice regardless the pain and disappointments that peppered my life. 2007 also woke me up, made me step out of my comfort zone and forced me to truly live the way i strive to live: spontaneously with a carefree and easy going desire for independence. my heart was broken but i survived. i got to go to amazing places and meet many awesome new people, reconciled old friendships and sadly lost a few along the way. a friend helped me to finally heal a wound, a loss that's been with me for a long time. i'm not sure why it is that when he told me to "move on", it became easy to do so.
my heart still misses hasina, i think i will miss him forever. but i, now, know that i can live for the both of us! so when i feel down, i just have to remind myself to see the world through his eyes, and it's easy to smile. he saw the world as a colorful playground filled with laughter, soccer and rambunctiousness; he truly saw the world through the eyes of a child, filled with things to discover, games to play, friends to make and a zest for life. he lived with an incredible energy that could dim the sun, and a heart for life that bursts in many colors.
so for this new year (you can call it a resolution-i guess), i hope to live more to the tunes of my heart, see more places, experience more of life. not really throw caution to the wind, but live a little more boldly, with optimism and a mind wide open.
live, love and learn